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I do not want to die. I mean right now I feel like I do not want to die ever. Can I call it a life if I am not going to die? I guess not but that is another question. Today I want to write about the worst experience in my life.

I am a calm person. I do not see a doctor immediately if something is not right. Normally I sleep at least one night before I make an appointment. This worked very well for me until yesterday night.

Yesterday was different. I was alone in my hotel room and panicked. It got out of control. What happened? I was in the bathroom and saw some red dots below my chest which spread in a narrow line over the entire upper abdomen. That made me feel really uncomfortable and then I did the worse thing I could do. I asked Google. I like Google but in this case, it was a bad decision. Why? Because I found out that I might die if I do not get help from a doctor. After that night I promised myself not to ask Google anymore about severe illnesses.

Ok, so after the fatal diagnosis I left my hotel room and went downstairs to the reception. They called me a cap to the emergency room. The hospital was not far away. I told the driver that I have something with my heart and that I need to see a doctor. He was very understanding and drove very fast to the hospital until the last traffic light before the hospital stopped us. I panicked more because I thought I am going to die and every second count. I saw myself already passing out in the car. The traffic light remained red for an eternity. It was pure horror until the lights turned green.

In the hospital, it was the same. I felt bad with heart and breathing problems I thought that someone would take care of me immediately but that was not the case. I managed to explain my pain to a nurse and she started to ask me about my name, address, and insurance. I know that this is important for the hospital to get their money but after all, we were in the emergency room and I was going to die. At least in my mind. What the hell was going on here? I stayed calm because there were other people around and I did not want to look like a freak. In that moment, I was thinking: you are so obsessed with what other people think about you that you prefer to die instead of getting what you want or actually desperately need in that moment.

I realized that I am not able to help myself effectively due to my anxieties what other people might think about me. This is insane! I must do something about that. I must learn that it is not important what other people think about me. It is important that I can look in the mirror and be true to myself.

This incident taught me a lot about myself and how I should lead my life. It happened almost one year ago. Here are a few points that I learned from that incident:

#1

I realized how fragile I am. I always thought of myself as invincible and never really listened to my grandma when she was telling me something about her anxieties. After all, she was over seventy and I was a healthy young guy. Now she is dead and can’t help me anymore. I would love to listen to her again. I regret nothing because we had a great relationship. Nevertheless, I miss her and would have liked to spend some more years with her. But that is another story.

#2

Always say goodbye to your loved ones. Kiss them and tell them how much you love them because it could be the last time that you have seen them. Don’t go away in anger. My grandpa was so obsessed with that idea that he could not sleep before grandma forgave him. Hard to imagine that this never happened in over sixty years of their marriage but I love to believe it and try my best to follow in their footsteps. I failed in the past but I always make a new start to break their record. Meanwhile, my wife and I have to live until 100.

#3

Do not worry about what others think about you. Speak loud and clear if you really want something. Say what you need; don’t wait until it is too late. I’ve become more self-confident and I’ve grown in this regard. With now forty years, I am happy to say that I know a little bit better who I am, what I want, and how to get it. Nevertheless, I still fail a lot of the times but I stand up and work on it.

#4

Finally, for me, it all can be summarized with the famous saying „carpe diem“. Seize each of your days and don’t waste your time. For me, this is playing with my kids, cooking with my wife, walking, running or lifting weights and spending as much time as possible with family and friends. Last but not least, I read, think and write almost every day to learn something new about myself and the world around me.